10 REASONS YOU SHOULD BE BANNED FROM THE INTERNET

1. PUT THE INTERNET DOWN AND WALK AWAY FROM IT SLOWLY.

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The web is the most important technological achievement of our time. This vast network of computers and handheld devices allows human beings to connect and communicate like never before, all while putting unprecedented amounts of information at our fingertips. You can find out the best bratwurst in Germany, listen to Led Zeppelin tunes and look up photos of unicorns all in a matter of seconds. Never in the history of mankind have so many tens of millions of individuals had so much access to so many facts, opinions... and other people.

But then there's you. You have a problem. Instead of taking advantage of the glorious wonders of the World Wide Web, you do asinine things like check your MySpace page and blog about cats. You, my friend, don't deserve the Internet. Here are 10 reasons why you should be banned. (Note that nerd 'net games like Bejeweled and Scrabble are not on this list. Those things are cool.) –Tina Smithers

2. YOU CHECK YOUR MYSPACE ACCOUNT.

OK, seriously?? Why? So you can rearrange your Top 8? Because Justin Timberlake owns it now? That doesn't make it cool. You don't have any new friend requests. If you do, they're probably from people trying to peddle porn. Or they're budding musicians who don't have an established fan base, so they look for recruits on MySpace. Your friends sure as hell aren't contacting you there. That's why you have Facebook and email. Or (dare I say it), the phone!

3. YOU STALK YOUR EX.

What does this accomplish? Either you find out that said ex is unemployed, single and miserable (thus, making you feel superior for six minutes) or you see that your ex is happily screwing someone else on a regular basis, while you sit at home with your Ben & Jerry's and Netflix subscription. It's not a good idea. Go play on Chatroulette or something, instead.

4. YOU OBSESSIVELY GOOGLE YOURSELF.

There's your blog. And your Facebook. Your LinkedIn, Twitter, defunct MySpace page... what, did you expect to find some sort of breaking news about yourself that you didn't already know? You're not Brad Pitt, so why bother, you narcissistic nitwit? Especially if your name is John Smith — in that case, you're SOL because you'd have over 23 million results to sift through if you want to find anything good.

5. YOU SEND OBNOXIOUS EMAIL FORWARDS.

Note to Aunt Edna: If I mean so much to you, please don't send a pre-written, insincere saptastic email forward about how I'm your best friend. If I want to see vintage Cathy comic strips or photos of rednecks in compromising situations, I will Google it myself. Little Tommy won't die if I don't forward this email chain, because Little Tommy doesn't exist. I know this because I checked Snopes.

6. YOU PARTICIPATE IN POINTLESS FACEBOOK CAMPAIGNS.

Changing your profile photo to a cartoon will in no way stop child abuse from happening; you just wanted an excuse to search Google Images for a hot photo of Smurfette. Updating your status also won't fight cancer. Want to make a difference? Go mentor a child or donate money to the American Cancer Society.

7. YOU PERUSE THE CRAIGSLIST MISSED CONNECTIONS SECTION.

OK, your soul mate is most definitely not posting about you on Craigslist, unless you secretly lust after prostitutes and serial killers. You're probably not going to find that pretty brunette you locked eyes with at the bus stop. Here's an idea: Start a conversation! Tell that brunette she's got a breathtaking heiney. What do you have to lose? Or you can just join the rest of us on Match.com.

8. YOU COMPULSIVELY BROWSE ONLINE SAMPLE SALES.

Comprised of high-end crap you don't need, those exclusive members-only discount sites thrive on luring you into making senseless impulse purchases, only to slap you later with an overly strict return policy. You're forced to jump on that pair of designer jeans because there is a limited supply and it's a helluva bargain, and then that stressful online clock ticks, ticks, ticks as you track down your credit card. Rather than sign in to Gilt Groupe and Rue La La (they really get you with the improperly placed "e" and French terms), hop in your car and head to T.J.Maxx.

9. YOU USE FACEBOOK CHAT.

When I am busy stalking people and comparing their seemingly better lives to my own, I don't want to be pestered. Sure, we went to high school together. But it wasn't by choice. If I wanted to talk to you, you'd probably have my AIM username. Or better yet, my phone number.

10. YOU SIGN ONLINE PETITIONS AND FORCE EVERYONE ELSE TO SIGN THEM, TOO.

Starting a petition online and forcing everyone to "sign" it will not convince Justin Bieber to come to your hometown of Hillsboro, North Dakota. It will not save the dolphins. It won't even get Charlie Sheen back on Two and a Half Men. Again, want to make a difference? Go volunteer at a homeless shelter. Donate to Obama's 2012 presidential campaign. Get Justin Bieber's attention by bombarding his Twitter account with spam. But putting your name on an online petition serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever.

11. YOU BLOG ABOUT STUPID, UNORIGINAL STUFF.

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I will try to be gentle. No one cares what you think about cupcakes, kittens and boy bands. For every cat, pastry and baby blog in cyberspace, there is a starving child in Somalia. F*ck Yeah, Kitties & Cupcakes! isn't original, either. You might be able to get away with Orange Tabby Cats Licking Chocolate Croissants, but I'm not sure if there is a large enough audience for that. Find some unsaturated subject matter and stick to blogging about that, or just do me a favor and stay away from the Internet entirely.

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